It’s a new year! Usually in the month of January, I am super motivated and productive and just an all around go getter. The promise of a long year ahead, leads to ideas flooding my brain hoping to get created. And with that, I have an ever growing list of goals/projects. Will I get to all of them? Probably not. Will some of them change half way through the year? Most likely yes. But, you know what, I like having a starting point that I can work from. I feel like l’m constantly re-evaluating my needs and wants and being honest with myself for what is best for me. But, I feel like that is what goals are for, right?
Anyway, One of my biggest goals for this year is having a big, local show. I need to be better about putting myself and my work out in the world and this is the easiest way I can think. It pushes me to make those connections with others. Plus, it keeps me accountable, helps me manage my time by setting/meeting deadlines, and gives me something tangible to work toward. Also, having a bunch of my work filling a room to be seen by others is a huge reward.
So, I have this show I am preparing for, and at the moment I have a little less than 7 months to get everything ready. It may sound like a long time, but did I mention that I have at least 24 new paintings planned for it and more ideas that I hope to include if I have time? I know, I’m straight crazy. But, I really want to challenge myself, and I have all these painting ideas I want to create. I would love to have nothing but new to work hanging in this show, but that seems a little far fetched. Anyway, I am going to try and work my butt off to make it happen.
Unfortunately, the first week of this new year hasn’t been as productive as I hoped. Yes, I have been painting, but I don’t feel like an artist with a studio practice. If that makes sense. I feel more like a student fulfilling assignments.
I have been focusing on these 3 paintings of a frolicing cow for the last couple weeks. I wanted to get them done ASAP to make my quota for December and move onto my paintings for January. Yeah, that does sound terrible doesn’t it? Well it has been. I am trying to pace myself so that I’m not trying to squeeze everything in right before the show, and I think I got a little carried away. There is a difference in creating for a finished work and creating for the process. I believe that is why I have been unsatisfied with my studio time. (I want to note I still enjoyed what I was doing, it just seemed a little more forced).
At times, I felt very positive about things. My paintings are progressing and I am not working myself too hard. So the chance of burnout is less likely. But also, I have that nasty, little inner voice that is adding it’s two cents. You know the one that says things like, “You really want to show these? I think you are actually getting worse” or “Yeah, there is no way you are going to pull this off. You paint so slow. A sloth with no training would be more likely to succeed.”
Well I did not ask for your opinion, little voice. But yes, my voice might have some good points. I wanted to push myself and become better. I do need to work on paintings a little quicker. Which would mean that I need to be more decisive and intentional with my marks and colors. I need to paint without worrying about whether I like it or whether this little section here or there is absolutely perfect. I just need to relax and trust the process. Let the painting come together organically. It does not need to be perfect. It needs to be enjoyable and fulfill my creative needs. If I can do that, the rest will take care of itself. Or at least it has in the past. Those are the moments that I really get swept into the zone. And the zone is my favorite place to be.
Am I getting worse? Hard to say, but probably not. Growth is uncomfortable, and it can make you question yourself. (Also, taking a break from your work for the holidays can sometimes make it feel like it’s been forever and you can’t remember how to do things) I just need to keep going. Keep trying new things as well as continuing to do old things that feel right for me and my paintings. If I step back from a painting and am not liking it, what can I do that would make it more interesting?
I think the most important thing for me to do right now is approaching my studio practice with a positive outlook and enjoying the process. If I obsess or whether I am getting worse, whether I can pull this off, or fulfilling a quota I won’t make anything worthwhile.
In the last two days in the studio, I decided I was going to go about things a little differently and already feel better. I put the three paintings on hold and started three new paintings. (You would think this would make me more overwhelmed, but it does quite the opposite.) I usually work on five paintings at a time so I can bounce around. It definitely helps. When you run into a problem, you can let it sit and move onto another painting. And often I find a solution while working on a different painting. I thought working on three would be okay, but since they are basically the same painting, it felt more like I was working on one painting. So know that I have six paintings in progress, I feel much more comfortable and loose.
I’m going to try and share more of this journey to my first big show with you. So, hopefully in a couple of weeks I have some progress to share. Until then, Happy creating!