There is always a part of the creative process where you think to yourself, “what am I even doing? Nothing I make is any good and my ideas are stupid. Am I kidding myself thinking this is all worth it?” If you are creative and haven’t had these thoughts consider yourself rare. I know this is a natural part of the creative process, but it is literally the worst. I am in it now, and it just sucks!
Now I’m sure part of this has come from burn out. Sometimes I wonder how I take care of two small children for 9-12 hours a day 6 days a week by myself, cooking meals, maintaining a relatively clean home and still find the energy to paint for 2+ hours at night after the kids have gone to bed. It seem insane. It is insane. And you can only keep this schedule up for so long before that little voice in your head, pipes up to say something nasty. It knows you are vulnerable and a little sleep deprived. It’s the perfect moment to strike.
Even though I was exhausted, I wanted to keep that momentum going. I was moving forward, but I just needed a little boost. Instead I got the opposite. I heard back from the shows I applied to and was rejected. Being rejected wears very little on me, but that voice knows this information can be used against me, and will try its hardest to bring me down. (Inner voice, why are you always trying to bring me down? Can’t we just be decent every once and a while?)
I know jurors and curators have limited space, and a giant pool of work to choose from, so if that particular person doesn’t like my work or thinks it doesn’t really fit the brief, then that’s okay. In the words of John Hodgeman “people like what they like”. I know my work is not for everyone and I don’t expect it to be. The good thing is I put myself out there. It’s just unfortunate that it cost me money. So I took a few minutes to get over it and moved on.
I dove back into experimenting with my work. I was hoping to get real crazy with my experimenting, but it just wasn’t happening the way I hoped and dreamed. I didn’t have some creative break through or a new technique I discovered worked really well for me. I just felt like I was doing more of the same with very small variations. (I know this is something that takes time and hopefully I will get to that a-ha moment, but let’s be honest, I’m impatient.)
One day the kids and I went on an outing to try and get some inspiration. I decided we would go check out Half Priced Books, because what is more inspiring than a discount book store with a huge selection (the majority, books I’ve never heard of). I hit up my usual sections. Nature, science, crafts, humor, and art. I very rarely have luck in the art section finding something that I have genuine interest in, but this time I saw Art & Fear. A book that I not only had heard of, but also one that people raved about. So without hesitation I knew it was worth risking $3 on. (Usually I would stand there for 20 minutes debating with myself if I should buy it).
It was well worth $3. I read it in 3 days and felt that it was exactly what I needed to be reading. So after, I decided I would reassess my game plan and change things up a bit.
I was excited to get to work…but at the same time was exhausted and just wanted to lay down and watch tv. So that’s exactly what I did for 3 days. Did I feel a little guilty. Yes! How could I use this time I dedicated to myself for a residency to do nothing? (I guess I was still sketching and little doodles, so it wasn’t exactly nothing.) But it was exactly what I needed to do. Did it get me out of the funk? No, but it at least gave me some energy so I could at least get back in the studio.
I do have a secret project going that is unlike painting that it’s been quite enjoyable. I started thinking I knew exactly how I was going to approach it, but my first attempt was a bit of a fail. At first I thought, “well I guess that’s the end of that idea” but after a day or two, it still hung in my mind that I need to do this. So, I went about it from another angle and was loving it for about an hour until I hit another snag. Since it’s new to me, I feel like it’s okay to hit bumps and try and figure things out without beating myself up. Why can’t I feel the same way when it comes to my paintings?
I have decided to get back to basics. I am working through the book How to See Color and Paint It by Arthur Stern. It a great book to help you really focus on building an image with blocks of color. Painting colors that we see with our eyes instead of what our brain thinks it’s should be. My first assignment didn’t go great, but it’s about learning as I go. So even though I was a a little frustrated, I know it will get easier the more assignments I do.
I have also started some ugly paintings. I have tried this in the past, but ultimately failed, because I secretly thought “maybe these will turn out nice and I can sell them”. This time is different. I truly don’t have any expectations for these paintings being sold or even seen for that matter.
I know at the beginning of this post I was feeling like I was in a pit with my work, but it turns out I’m not in such a bad place. I’m doing what can so that by the time I get out of the pit, I will have more to contribute to my work.
Happy creating!